We choose what we think we deserve

From an early age we are indoctrinated to believe that to be loved and accepted others need to like you, and you are liked by simply meeting their needs and expectations.

In other words you perform for your audience. Something that Gabor Mate described as losing your authenticity for the sake of attachment.

When you are young and you learn this “golden formula” that explains how we move smoother or less painfully throughout life, you accept this belief that everything you are is not good enough, and you become a version of something that is expected of you. Truth of the matter is you become a lesser version of yourself.

You do that by killing parts of yourself to make others feel comfortable with you. We do this out of fear that we will not be accepted and loved. Fear of abandonment, hurt and pain is so soul crushing and devastating that we want to wash away any residue of those dreadful feelings.

No better way to do that than to be good and obedient, and aligned with others’ expectations. Fear that others will lash out, punish us, abandon us, makes us compliant, adjusting and accepting of whatever comes. This is how we lose our identity and some of us never develop our authentic selves. This explains how it is possible to be in your 40s and 50s, and still feel like you don’t know who you are and what you want for yourself.

As children we can’t make others change or become more conscious of their actions or lack of them, but instead we take it upon ourselves to mould and adjust ourselves to meet the needs of adults, in order to be loved. When we start dancing this dance from an early age we perfect it by the time we are adults. So later, down the road when we choose to stay with an abusive partner, when we tolerate abusive bosses and friends, everyone is surprised, including ourselves. Why does this happen, and more importantly – why do we allow this to happen to us?

The answer is simple. We are desensitised and really well trained not to leave relationships, as well as stay and meet the demands placed in front of us. It all starts from our family home where we learn about closeness, our value and place in the relationships. This is the first place where we learn about trust, giving, receiving and commitment.

If you are used to neglect and contempt, if you are used to being treated with indifference and violence, than being degraded and disrespected as a person is something you will find as normal and acceptable in all your relationships. When something similar happens to you as an adult it becomes almost natural to stay and endure whatever comes your way, and all this for the sake of being loved. I just described the process of how we choose what we believe we deserve.

Is it unfair and cruel? Is it appalling and unacceptable? Yes it is, and even though we know it we can’t help ourselves and many of us tend to repeat the same pattern with our children. It is not something we do consciously (many of us don’t!), but what we learn as normal we tend to live and uphold, it becomes the rule by which we live. This is how violence and abuse spreads, how abuse continues, and this is how we create dysfunctional and lost adults.

The quality of our life depends on the quality of our relationships. If we want a better life for us, for our children and grandchildren we need to start with ourselves. Stop and re-examine your relationships, your choices and rules by which you are living. Our ignorance should stop with us, offer to yourself and your loved ones a better future where we acknowledge, respect, appreciate and admire each other. Give yourself a chance to heal from what has been done to you, and stop it from spreading like disease around you.