Control and why so many resort to emotional blackmail

I will not pretend, I will not put on a smile on my face for you, in order for us to be good!

Emotional blackmail is a frequently used tool in many relationships, not only in partnerships, but also by parents, whether their child is 7 years old or 47! It is a form of manipulation where others use your feelings as a way to make you see things their way and to force you to behave the way they want.

Put in a different language your loved ones use fear, obligation and guilt in subtle and insidious ways to make you do what they want. When someone withdraws affection from you, it is like a dagger through the heart, and this is especially problematic when it happens in your early years. It is no wonder why so many people end up as people pleasers who run around and accept whatever and whoever comes their way, no questions asked.

That’s why tolerating humiliation, lies, neglect and abuse in adult relationships becomes something many accept as a norm as this type of behaviour was introduced in their earlier years. When you are treated poorly by your loved ones, you will have similar expectations from others around you.

Using emotional blackmail creates space for a vicious cycle where with time the victim eventually starts to manipulate others, their parents, friends and partners. Communication stops being respectful and is flooded with treats, demands and pressure in a hope person behaves as expected.

Speaking to your children in this way reduces their decision making capacity to a minimum, teaching them to be overly dependent not only in childhood but adulthood as well. When as a parent you use guilt, fear, intimidation, threats you instil in your children insecurity, doubt and dependence. In effect you cage the person and you keep them from being independent and free, and you control their behaviour as well as their feelings.

If you are playing this game of power with your loved ones where the weak is pitted against the strong, you teach them that they have no way out, they are the one that has everything to lose, and you normalise the idea of immediately giving in to the demands of others. In other words you are normalising the idea that for someone to be loved they need to give up their authenticity. You are setting them up to live their lives in a cage, to be someone’s slave and live their lives constantly meeting other people’s needs in a hope they will love them.

In addition to the above, you make your loved ones more susceptible to coercion. In case of coercion, the abuser not only makes the victim do what they want, but the victim does things that are against what they genuinely want, and sometimes even what they believe. In other words this is a relationship of power and abuse.

In contrast to emotional blackmail the threats are more direct and the victim is often aware that they are being manipulated, but feel that they are unable to do anything about it. This could be due to fear of violence or it could be due to the abuser's higher status, resources and power that they have. Make no mistake here, this is violence and abuse, as you, your needs have no value or place in the abuser's world. It is a violent act to use deceit, guilt and threats to control someone, no matter whether someone is using emotional blackmail or coercion. Whoever is using this tactic is really an abuser or a perpetrator.

Both blackmail and coercion distort reality and feelings, it is important to point out that it is usually someone close to you who will use emotional blackmail while with coercion that doesn’t need to be the case. Victims are scared and in a lot of cases are unable to escape, and many report feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.

Many parents are unaware of these detrimental effects of emotional blackmail, and when they use this technique many are just trying to make it through the day, and make their children more compliant and cooperating. Whether the intent is coming from a good or a bad place, the consequences are devastating for the child as it breeds insecurity and dependence which makes our children more susceptible to tolerating abusive and controlling relationships.

It is important that parents treat their children with respect and kindness, and teach them healthy boundaries. Lead by example, don’t cage them, but teach them independence and the value of self expression.

In other words be the wind beneath your child’s wings.