Why is anger the same as violence to some?

Looking back on my whole life I remember hearing the following: “don’t be angry!; there's no need to be upset; you shouldn’t feel that way; it is rude to be like that; anger is so embarrassing and impolite”.

In some cultures more than others, being upset and disappointed is appropriate while anger is socially frowned upon.

However, when someone is raped, used, abused, neglected and their well being is endangered they are not upset and disappointed, they are angry, furious and even violent albeit not always expressed!

Think about it, something awful happened to you, you are not allowed to have the appropriate emotional reaction, as it makes other people upset and uncomfortable. People prefer to close their eyes and pretend that nothing is happening instead of addressing the root of the anger, the root of any issue.

When asked “how are you?” we don’t socially answer with the truth. If you do say how you are truly feeling, many around you feel uncomfortable, some even go to lengths to provide you with a list of things you could fix. I call them ‘fixers’. You’ve probably heard the fixer language for how you can fix an array of issues you are experiencing: ‘at least you were in a relationship, you will find someone; one day you will have a new baby; have breast reconstruction surgery later; get a nose job’ … and so the list goes on.

What we need to do is learn to just let the person feel the way they do, just let them sit with their feelings, hear that pain, and share it. Give them space and time to grieve their loss. You can’t move on without the need for time, time to absorb and express their grief.

Anger is part of grief just as depression is. Try to avoid statements that start with “...at least you had...” and “in future you will...” as translated they mean “I am not comfortable/interested in holding a space for you and I would like us to focus on something else preferably on positive feelings instead of on these negative ones”. By doing this you are removing, in fact stealing another person’s right to be outraged about what has been done to them. You have NO right to do that!

Most think that anger, hurt, pain, disgust, guilt and sadness are negative feelings. NO they are NOT! There are NO negative or unhelpful feelings.

We need to learn in society that feelings can be unpleasant to feel due to their intensity, but their purpose is to indicate that something or someone is fine, safe or that something is not right and you don’t feel safe.

Feelings are signs, a filtration system that gives us signals which we need to read, understand and react to in our best capacity. An example of that is a car coming your way and the fear and terror you are feeling is helping you register that you are not safe, and the appropriate reaction is to remove yourself from harm's way. It is an unpleasant and intense feeling, but a very useful one. It is not a negative feeling.

Wanting to be only happy places your focus on living your life as a continuous task. Happiness is result dependent, it is a response to an outcome and very much task oriented. Depending on how successful you are in your performance you will be happy.

Most times in life we fail, and if your goal and focus is on happiness you will not be happy most of your life. Many due to the intensity of this feeling turn to making a mask or shield made of detachment (disconnecting from yourself and your feelings).

Once you achieve wearing this shield where you don’t feel your feelings, as a consequence you also stop seeing and understanding feelings of others around you. That has detrimental effect on all your relationships. It keeps you away from being a partner, parent, friend and professional that you want to be. In fact it becomes a pathology. Which means you cannot get out of this pattern of behavior where you skillfully evade all the feelings and consequently you are unable to connect with yourself and others. Every decision you make comes from emotion and cognition, if you ignore it what stays is a high performing achiever.

Many people I work with believe that anger equals violence. The main reason for this is when someone grows up in a home filled with aggression, hostility, contempt, intimidation, and degradation what they see is someone behaving horrendously because they are angry. Anger is a feeling, the rest is a behavior.

We can be angry without being violent and abusive. We can learn to create a safe space for ourselves and others around us when we are angry. In many situations one will find out that behind anger, lies hurt and pain, as we are so scared to be openly vulnerable we naturally default to anger. We push people away from us and those feelings of hurt and pain just intensify.

In many instances life can be unfair and cruel. For some the beginnings of their lives starts so violently and atrociously but that doesn’t have to be the whole story, nor the only story told. New better memories can be created and the bad ones get to have a different purpose. With memories comes a plethora of feelings and they all have their place, they all make you who you are.

Having the ability to recognize them, sit with them, act on them appropriately and embrace them is the foundation of building your superhero, that is a conscious, self -aware and someday hopefully self- accepting human being. After all that is what is important to connect others.