LOVE BOMBERS

I Just Want To Be Loved

We all want to be loved and accepted, we all want and yearn to belong. And when you are alone, rejected, feeling down it can be liberating when we meet someone. So, how do you know that someone is for you? How do you know that their intentions are coming from a right place?

When I was younger I just had very good instincts when something was not right. People that wanted to control me never sat well with me. And today I will be talking about those kind of people – Love Bombers!

So what is the deal with these kind of people? They bombard us with love and we are over the moon? Almost, but not quite! Love bombing is the practice of smothering you with signs of admiration and attraction. It is really all about control and dominance. Bare in mind it never starts like that, as if it did we would be able to recognise it strait away. At the beginning they are sweet, caring, loving, accepting, and helpful, so much that it almost feels like it is too good to be true.

How Does A Love Bomber Behave?

Love-bombers are sweet talkers, they tell you exactly what you want to hear, and most importantly, what you need to hear. Are they great at reading your needs and flaws? Yes, they are! They pick up your insecurities and are really good at convincing you to get on their side. Bending the truth a bit is not a big deal, as this is a way for them to ensure they are in control and can get attention and affection. Lie here and there is fine, and they always have a great explanation - “She meant nothing to me, even though I was with her for over 3 years, but we were never that serious! You are the one!”

They are great gift givers! Gift giving is a strategy where you and others very often know the price they paid for it. Don’t take me wrong, there is nothing bad when someone gets you a gift, but if later you are expected to do something or gift them back because you owe them, that’s a different story. There is no “You owe me!” in loving relationship, but with a love bombers that is very common.

They perceive gift giving as an exchange, and choice of gifts will range depending on your age. So if you are younger more likely you will be getting jewellery, but if you are older and have kids those gifts, “favours” and support they are providing will extend to others around the targeted person.

They express their love by loving everything about you, they place you on a pedestal but they will take you down (when it suits them, and when they need more attention). They will make you feel you deserve more. It is all done in a form of a compliment. For example, they will question your dressing sense/style, and they’ll teach you how to dress and shop better, so you look better for them. Your partner makes you believe you could do “better.” With time you are conditioned, or better said trained to behave exactly as it suits him. You will get lots of compliments, and they will expect them back! When you don’t deliver it doesn’t go unnoticed.

Love bombers will always want to sit next to you, and participate in all your social situations (they don’t want to miss anything!). They will want to touch you, and have tendency to be overly physical and sexual when expressing love, especially in front of your loved ones. You are showered with affection, so the love bomber and others have a proof that you are fully committed to him. The minute you don’t respond the way it is expected they are hurt, angry, and disappointed. Some will even threaten to harm you, your family or themselves. In other words, they love creating drama and suspense. They love to use gaslighting as a way of control.

They slowly pull you away from your loved ones, family and friends. They become your number 1 person, and eventually they are your the only person. And once you want to leave, first of all it is hard, as you keep on waiting for that lovely guy that was there at the beginning of your relationship to come back. But he is not coming back, he was never there. You could be scared, and you think there is no-one else to help you, because all your other people are gone.

In short, they are quick to say that they love you, they always tell you what you want to hear, they pull you away from your system of support, love is expressed in extremes (“I was waiting for you for years!”; “You are my soulmate!”; and my favourite: “You complete me!”), gift giving and over the top love gestures are common behaviours.

What to Do if You're Being Love Bombed?

Love bombing is a form of psychological manipulation. As mentioned above narcissists (love bombers) look for your deep-seated insecurities so they can exploit them. And by figuring out how to make you feel validated when you are around them you will struggle to leave.

If your are unable to set boundaries, and leave on your own you need to ask for help. Contact family and friends, reach out. You are not alone. Some need counselling and professional help after being in such a relationship, but you can recover and you can be safe and happy again.